De-conversion Pt5: My Final Choice

This post is part of an ordered sequence of posts. If you are new to the site, please scroll to the bottom of the page or click here to start at the beginning.

Before I start this post, I would like to clear up some things. It has come to my attention that there is some confusion as to the time when these events occurred. I haven’t been clear in communicating that all of these posts, especially the last 4, are accounts of how I was processing things nearly a year ago. I’m writing about the things that bothered me then, the arguments which mattered to me then, and the emotions I was feeling then. My current belief system has not yet been stated, only eluded to. I hope that my readers can be understanding of the fact that at that point my mind was a whirlwind of thought/emotion, and it didn’t all make sense (even I’m having trouble making sense of it, which is why it’s so difficult to write). That said, if there is something that you feel I have not clarified enough, by all means let me know so that I can address it.

Yesterday’s post closed on the topic of trust. I was considering whether I was willing to put my trust back in God. I thought about this for some time and it became clear that trust really was the pinnacle point of Christianity. This is what settled it for me. Now I knew, with a greater clarity than I had had up until this point, that I could never be a Christian again. The concept of trust made it excruciatingly clear to me that Christianity is a scam, plain and simple.

Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

There you go. Now YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE. As long as you trust your God more than you trust your own understanding, all the doubts you have about your faith can be written off. You can just say “well I have this doubt, but even though I don’t have an answer for it I’m going to trust there is one, because I trust God.” And you’re off the hook. Every doubt can be explained that way. Every piece of evidence against your faith can be disregarded, because of trust.

And why should I not “lean on my own understanding?” All I have is my own understanding. It’s true that my understanding is far from perfect and I make incorrect judgments all the time. Heck, my own understanding is so limited that I don’t believe I can attain absolute knowledge of anything  (more on my official philosophical view in future posts), but that doesn’t change the fact that everything I hear and believe is filtered through my own understanding. Everything that I know about God I know through my own understanding. In every instance where I choose to trust, it is being filtered through my own understanding. That’s how the human mind works.

Christianity became irreconcilable in my mind. The notion of God was far too easily explained as a man-made concept, able to move and change with time to fit the particular needs of particular groups of people, made in a mysterious enough way that he can never be truly disproven, and accompanied with scriptures that can be translated in whichever way a person desires. Belief in God was far too easily explained as something adopted because of bias of upbringing/childhood ignorance, a need for there to be meaning when there is none, or a help through hard times. The maintenance of the Christian believe was far too easily explained as being due to the support of community and the natural human desire to belong to a group of like-minded people. My little “experience with Christianity” the previous day was far too easily explained as a temporary mental/psychological relapse of my mind into “Christian mode,” in which every last experience and piece of information can be neatly explained as fitting within the Christian world-view…just as long as every other explanation of them is carefully stowed away as “wrong.”

Knowing the reaction I’d receive from most of those I knew and loved (my Christian family and friends), made it infinitely more clear to me how much of a scam Christianity is. It’s one thing for a person to blind themselves to certain evidence about something like the origin of the world or some moral argument, but when a person is forced to blind themselves to a person they know, to disregard what that person says to be true about themselves, to mistrust their character, to come up with any possible explanation for that person’s experience OTHER than what that person says to have happened, just so that they can hold on to their precious world-view. THAT I cannot stand. THAT is the sign of a world-view gone awfully wrong. THAT is like putting a dagger into your precious saviour’s back each time you do it, because each time you blind yourself to the person you’re talking to because their experiences contradict your belief you cause them to step further and further away from ever considering being a Christian. I’ve seen it over and over again. Christians trust their God, at the expense of those around them. That’s what I did as a Christian, and it makes me sick thinking about it.

My mind is made up. I use ‘is’ here instead of ‘was’ because I am now finally speaking in present tense. The assurance I have in the falsity of Christianity has not wavered in the 10 months which have passed since I made my decision.

I have now explained, as best I can, the reasons why I am not a Christian. In my next post I would like to describe what I “am” now, instead of talking in terms of what I “am not.” In posts following that, I intend to address a lot of the topics which were brushed over in my story (hell, faith, etc.), objections which have been laid against my beliefs as well as some other topics which I haven’t been able to mention in my story at all, most relating to religion/atheism/belief, some just philosophical. I’m very much open to suggestions here. All you Christian folk, I want to address your objections, so let me at them!

And for all you who were just here for the story, thanks for reading and I hope that what you read has been meaningful to you.

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6 thoughts on “De-conversion Pt5: My Final Choice

  1. Hi Donna,
    I have been reading your blog and it gives me a lot to think about. Thanks for sharing your story; I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.It must have been heart-wrenching at times. Of course, I had no idea how deep your struggles were before I read your blog. I hope you know that I love you. I liked the picture of God you had in your second last post; I think that is so true-Jesus loving you to death. Please don’t forget it!
    Take Care!
    Love, Aunt Sara

  2. Donna,

    I have read all your posts and I appreciate the courage it has taken to write this, considering the church/community/family you come from. I’m guessing you speak for many people who come from a similar background and made similar choices, but were not brave enough to publicly admit that they have lost faith in what Christianity is to them.

    And although several objections did come up while reading (as you predicted they would), I don’t think I will mention them, because you would easily dismiss them, just as you used to dismiss arguments presented by Atheists. And I won’t encourage you to keep looking for truth, because you’re probably sick of hearing that and you have probably done enough searching for the rest of us combined.

    Again, thank you for your honesty and I hope it will have inspired others with similar experiences to yours to be just as honest and open.

    Jason Reimer

  3. Hi, Donna

    I was just told about your blog and checked it out. I truly feel I have missed out on getting to know you growing up. I guess I was not around alot in those years. I am of course sad about the choice that you have made but I am not freaked out by it. I see you have a brilliant mind and have a way of being able to express yourself honestly that is refreshing in it’s own way. I so believe that truth will stand the test. I know you say that you have made up your mind not to believe in God. I think that to be an ultimate truth seeker though you cannot completely choose to rule out that option if the evidence points in that direction or you become someone who is just wanting to believe something instead of a total truth seeker. I think in your journey you have expressed alot of challenges that Christians do face and I think that they do need to be dealt with. If Christianity is just blindly going along without sufficient evidence and you feel you just have to try to convince others to believe in something that doesn’t really give you meaning that is a total drag. I admit I find it hard at times to trust God. I appreciate your thoughts on your earlier blog about recognizing that you need to be totally sold out for God if you are going to believe in Him. The reality of our relationship is that as Christians we have times where we doubt or are not totally commited to Him. I don’t think that God is totally alarmed by that fact. Life is a journey and if He is ultimate truth than that will eventually be revealed, but I think He wants us to be fully convinced not just blindly going along pretending to be convinced instead of dealing honestly with our doubts. I am not nearly as good at expressing myself as you are. (You should consider becoming a writer someday.) One of my thoughts is that everybody chooses to trust in something even if it is not God. When Darwin came up with the theroy of evolution he said that if in the years to come sufficient fossils are not found to prove my theory throw it out. Well now years later many, many fossils have been found and although at times people think they have found the missing link – the reality stands that sufficient evidence has not been found to prove his theory. In fact, if he was alive today he would probably throw out his own theory and yet people hang on to it today because that is what they have been taught growing up and they want to believe in something. In some ways that is not so different from Christians being taught something and choosing to believe it. I think you are right that alot of it can depend on the which worldview glasses you choose to put on, but I am convinced that if truth is truth it will stand the test no matter which glasses you choose to put on. Athough on this earth we may not see the kind of evidence we want on absolutely everything there needs to be enough evidence that the rest of it can be taken by faith. For example, there is more and more scientific evidence now that points to the Bible being true that it is ok for me to take the stuff that I don’t understand by faith. I don’t think the Bible says to not use your own understanding at all, but rather it is like a father and a child when the father has a better understanding of the situation than the child it is better to trust the father’s judgment than to lean on your own limited understanding. First of all, you have to decide if the father is trustworthy though and if indeed He is all knowing. When that fact is totally established trusting Him is not that hard because we know our understanding is limited and His is not. I think the truth of the matter for you is that you don’t believe God is trust worthy, all knowing and totally loving you, wanting the best for you. And you know what I am not always feeling convinced of that myself and I think that is the root of the problem. It is hard to believe that by faith sometimes, but either it is true or it is not. Now back to the facts of the Bible that can be proven. There is more information that has come out recently that has confirmed again that the Bible is true and here are a few examples, the finding of the real Mt. Sinai with burned rock on the top as well as the cleft in the rock that was spoken about in Scripture, the finding of chariot wheels along the ridge underwater in the red sea. These chariot wheels I believe carried the insignia that pointed back only to that time in history. The truth revealed about the Bethlehem star. It is incredible what can be researched now in this world of Science and how with technology everything can be traced back to a certain day and exaclty what position the planets where in etc. There is even a missing day accounted for that aligns with God holding the sun back. I will try and get you the information for some of these as I am not a good person for remembering exact details and passing them on. You have to decide if you are going to be an absolute truth seeker wether it points to God or not or if you are going to seek only truth that does not point to God because you do not want the hassle of dealing with God if you do find out He is ultimate truth. I just want to encourage you – don’t just take things blindly this is your journey – seek ultimate truth and it will be revealed! You are one specail gal, don’t be so down on yourself I am so excited about what that God that you don’t believe in is doing and will continue to do in your life. He wants you fully and this journey is part of what you need to become fully convinced. I know you don’t see it now and don’t even want to probably, but I am just thrilled about what the end of this journey could mean for so many people when you come through it. But it will take time because you can’t rush things you need to become fully convinced in your own mind, not just believing things because you were taught that way or because you feel obligated to. Be a truth seeker, truth will be revealed, if it is truth there is enough evidence to prove it that the rest can be taken by faith. Thinking of you, Myrna

    1. This is very kind, but mostly it’s awkward. Our understanding of truth keeps pulling us further away from the Christian God. I don’t fully discount that I will ever be a Christian again, but it does seem highly unlikely. Once you face the presuppositions of Christianity and find them weak or untenable, it’s difficult to imagine ever suddenly falling for them again.

      What if life isn’t even about finding truth at all? What if truth is an illusion? Do you see how much of what we call “reality” is an illusion? We’ve constructed so much of what we “know,” politics and religion included. How can you presume to know anything at all, especially that there is a God, specifically the Christian God? Nothing has “confirmed that the Bible is true.” Science continually causes us to cast doubt on things we once thought we knew, so we reform our understanding. We don’t live in a world of conclusions, but questions. Psychology is making ground on revealing faith as less of a virtue and more of a vice. The construct of God makes sense, but only insofar as man was involved in constructing him.

      The conjecture of the Bible is weak, but I do understand why people believe it, for I once believed it myself.

      1. HI Donna, this is your uncle Marlin here. This comment popped up on my phone so i thought what the heck I’ll throw my 2 cents worth in. I am always thinking about the different angle on things. I have talked this view i am about to give over with my youth group about my struggles when i was growing up about not just accepting things that my parents taught me. A lot of my life is always weighing the risks. Ask any farmer and that is their whole life. In fact ask anybody who buys insurance why they do it. Let’s just say that the bible is a hoax and we toss it aside. What is the risks in that? Obviously the risks are quite large. If we choose not to believe in heaven and hell that is fine we can believe that. Although one day when the fateful day will come as it does for all of us and we are wrong in our beliefs than we are in obvous trouble. Let’s say we throw out God’s laws and commandments and choose to live life our own way. We are all free to do that – what are the risks in that? Take any area of life- pick an obvious one that is in all of our faces these days. Sex – we throw out God’s rules and follow the world’s choices and what are the risks?? Sure there is such a thing as protection (risk management!!) but what are the end results?? Children outside of marraige, disease, lot’s of heartache, follow the story of serial rapists and murders and see what people doing there own thing leads to sometimes. Pick another area of life – business – we are pretty spoiled in North America. I have done million dollar deals on a handshake because we both trust each other. It comes down to believeing each other – if neither of us believed in biblical principles of not stealing and telling the truth then we would be in for a massive wreck. Pick any area of life and imagine throwing out God’s laws and examine the risks!! God has given us guidlines and commandments for own good – he wants what is best for us. Now let’s look at the flipside and examine the risks the other way. What if we don’t really believe in God as you are saying you don’t. That is fine you are free to believe what you want as we all are. I think about God’s laws and commandments and think what the heck I am going to choose to live his way and have a wife and children the way he says to do it. For the most part life is good. We don’t need risk protection in our sex life. We have no children outside of marriage, we have no disease or heartache. Hey that all works real good for me. Business with truth and no intention of stealing also works good for me. Pick anything like taking the sabbath day off. I honestly think that people who take one day a week off get more done than people who work seven days a week do. Plus i get some time to spend with my family. Works for me. So I choose to follow God’s way because it seems to work out the best for me. So i do that my whole life and get to the fateful day and find out that i was wrong in my beliefs about God and there is no Heaven and Hell. What was the risk?? I would have lived a happy and successful life and gone back to the dust. Well at least i had a good journey through life. Now let’s say that there is a Heaven and a Hell and there is a God and I made it into Heaven by God’s grace. That would be like getting my cake and getting to eat it too!! So what would have been the risk in believeing in God?? Well I guess one could argue that maybe you maybe might have missed out in some fun in this life?? Well we already covered that in part, add some drugs and what else does the world have to offer and i am thinking that maybe there is not too much to miss out on. So anyhow now that I have written a book here and proved with my grammar and such that i wasn’t smart enough to make it to University i will sign off. I hope you understand what my thinking process was when i went through a time of struggling. Having Faith in a God that you can’t see, or touch, or maybe audibly hear is a tough thing no doubt. Especially when you have a whole world that seems to be going against you. Swimming upstream is never easy, but even if my belief in God turns out to be wrong I choose to believe in God for the benefits i can see. And maybe i am a simpleton but the bible talks about God’s ways seeming like foolishness to man and they probably seem like it. But when i weighed it all out i was left with no other choice but to believe he is who he says he is and what will i have lost?? Luv you and take care till i see you again. Uncle Marlin

      2. Thanks for that, but your perception of the “risk difference” between a believer and a non-believer is completely flawed. Just because someone isn’t a Christian doesn’t mean that they’re automatically going to go out and have sex with everyone and have kids they don’t want or do other stupid life-wrecking things. Only idiots do that, and idiocy occurs in the religious and non-religious alike. That said, if Christianity makes your life work, why not?

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